Dear Adoption, You’ve Left me Without the One Thing I Seem to Want and Need the Most  

You are the wedge between family and me. I can get close, but not close enough. I hold everyone at arm’s length.

You are the fence atop which I sit perched, unable to access either side. I’m destined to long for what’s just out of reach.

You are the hurdle I must jump each time I want to connect with someone. The fear of rejection is ever looming.

You are the obstacle in my way every time I want to travel. The anxiety that precedes is like a whispered threat that I’ll never return to the place I left.

You are the crux of my pain. My mind was too young to remember but my body was not. The constant struggle to make sense of it all torments me.

You’ve left me without the one thing I seem to want and need the most; കുടുംബ kudumbaṁ (family).

Erin was adopted from an orphanage in Kerala, India in 1987 when she was 20 months old. She is a transracial adoptee, raised by her adoptive parents in Snellville, GA. She enjoys hosting, cooking for the people she loves, and exploring Austin’s ever-evolving culinary scene with her boyfriend. She has submitted her DNA and has been fortunate enough to connect with distant relatives but remains hopeful that she may one day find her immediate birth family.