gallery Dear Adoption, I Don’t Want to Make My Mom Feel Bad

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Dear Adoption, I Don’t Want to Make My Mom Feel Bad

When you are adopted you have two moms.

My mom that had me in her belly is my birth mom. I was told that I met her but I just don’t remember her.

My mom that lives at my house and takes care of me is my adopted mom except I only call her mom.

I have a lot of questions about my birth mom but there isn’t someone for me to ask because I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings.

I wish I had a book about her or a letter so I could know something about her life. I wish I had a special secret phone in my room so I could call her and ask her questions and get answers right away!

I have dreams about my birth mom and in my dreams we are meeting at the park and we get to talk a lot. The park dreams are my very favorite dreams except that sometimes my mom is watching and I feel bad that she is going to get hurt feelings or be mad. I keep my dreams secret because I am worried that if I tell my mom that I want to meet my birth mom at the park it will make her feel bad in real life.

I think I don’t really want to really meet my birth mom in real life because then I think everyone will feel bad.

I will probably just keep meeting my birth mom in my dreams and having fun with that. It will keep me sad about her but it won’t hurt my mom’s feelings and at least then I won’t have to feel bad about that too.

-12 years old, adopted at 3 days old, loves art and going into her dreams to see her birth mom. 

This piece was submitted anonymously by a child under the age of 18 who participated in a workshop hosted by Dear Adoption,.

11 comments

  1. Im certain this is a healing post for this author. Know that you are not alone in the thoughts you have about your birth mom. There are other thoughts you might have too. I wrote a post on my site (juliemcgueauhtor.com) entitle: “The Three Things All Adoptees Wonder About”. Perhaps that will help too.

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  2. Talk to your adoptive mom about how you can learn more about your birth mom. You will not hurt her feelings – she probably expects you to ask the question, and has given it some thought. Working with your adoptive mother to help build your complete story, will give you and your adoptive mom an opportunity to develop a stronger relationship. She can help guide and support you and rejoice with you as you embrace your full history that makes you uniquely, beautifully you.

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    • That is not necessarily true. Many adoptive parents make the subject completely taboo, as mine did. This adoptee is picking up a vibe that her parents are putting out there – so her feels are probably bang on. It is the parents’ job to ask questions and open the conversation.

      Liked by 1 person

      • As the adoptive mother of a 12 year old girl – I can only speak from the perspective of what goes on in our home. I understand that every family’s experience is different and respect the journey that each adoptee and adoptive family is on. Based on the OPs concern for her mother’s feelings suggests she is well-bonded to her adoptive mother and could safely talk to her about her birth mother. I do agree that the adoptive mother should take responsibility for initiating this necessary conversation.

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      • Concern for her AM’s feelings doesn’t suggest healthy bonding or that she can talk freely – it suggests that she feels responsible for keeping AM happy which is concerning on several levels. In a healthy family, it’s the other way around – parent is concerned for child’s feelings. I’m glad you have a different situation than this, but this is extremely common in adoption. We sense the taboo nature of it, and we sense our AM’s investment in not bringing it up. If this is different in your home, you are the exception.

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  3. such a prediciment faced by those of us adopted at birth …

    society as a whole needs to understand that legal child exchange may seem right to the adults involved, but, human babies are not legos

    … everyone loves their own mother!

    this needs to stop being overlooked in the narrative of adoption.

    Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So maybe my son meets me in the park in his dreams, too. I sure hope so. I will search for him there. He knows where I am and who I am now, but won’t meet with me because he does not want to hurt is adoptive mother. As a birth mother, I know that I brought all of this pain on my child. I did not know it at the time, but I know now. I wish I could fix it, go back in time and do it all over, but I can’t. So, until I meet him again, I will search my dreams.

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  5. Out of the mouth of babes
    These were my sentiments exactly
    We couldn’t say too much about our inner feelings because we didn’t want to hurt our adoptive families or hear any criticism either
    We are protecting ourselves
    This little girl will fantasize about her birth mother until the day she actually knows who she is
    It’s imperative to our well being to know our identity
    Somewhere on the planet our tribe resides

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  6. This is so honest and beautiful! A park is actually a nice place to meet new people if the weather is good. I hope you get to do that some day. I understand how you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I can tell you’re a very kind person.

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  7. I think this is a very connected and wise young girl. I wish more people realized that these feelings are normal and how sad it is that this girl needs to protect her adoptive moms feelings over her own. I can only predict that if that continues there will be resentment and cut off in relationship unless the adoptive mom can empathize. That happened to me.

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