I spent so many years depending on all the adults in my life, but it only ever led me to one of the worst experiences of my life.
A friend of my adoptive father’s who was there the day I came from the Philippines to Canada and picked me up from the airport, would eventually take advantage of me. He raped me a few times; someone who I trusted and thought was like a second father. I thought of him as a second father because I saw the way he loved his daughter (he was divorced and didn’t have custody of her) and I wanted the same. Little did I know that my need and want for a father’s love would never come from him. I learned my lesson by being used, manipulated, bought, and physically mistreated, because I trusted him. I trusted him because my adoptive father kept him around me. I was not strong enough to overcome this. I spent years burying this pain and forgetting the instances of this abuse. When I finally no longer remembered every single day, I thought I was being strong.
I would leave my adoptive father’s house never having told him what happened. I was working a full-time job to support myself and live on my own again. I would carry this burden, the pain, the anger, and the hurt to protect myself from being condemned and blamed for the incident. I will be okay, I will be strong.
I am now a mother of three, married to a wonderful man, but I cannot love them the way I thought I would.
Motherhood is one of the most rewarding experience I have ever been blessed to experience. Yet, it is the most painful experience I have ever had to do. It was only after becoming a mother that I often thought of my birth mother. Never having had a mother present throughout my childhood, I didn’t know how I would be able to fulfill my duties as a mother. How could I be nurturing when being strong has numbed me, made me cold-hearted, and emotionally unattached? I struggle with motherhood the most, as an adult adoptee. Not only do lifelong depression and anxiety affect me even now, but because of my past, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression with anxiety and mild OCD. Now, I have this anger; so much anger that is so strong I cannot control it. I find myself crying almost every day; alone, afraid for my family to see me weak. I doubt myself, my worth, and this makes me difficult to love. There are days when the simplest task of getting out of bed is so painful for me. My body aches, my head hurts, my soul hurts. I have had a few incidents of breaking down in front of my children and I feel guilty for not being stable enough for them. I am not strong enough.
My husband, who loves me with all of himself struggles to cope with my “illness”. He was by my side for ten years, prior to us getting married on our eleventh year together. Though he wishes he could carry my burden, he struggles to peel it off of me. My husband loves me, but I can’t find the strand that loves him back the same. I love him, I love him with all of me, broken and all, but I can’t love him the way I want to, because I am not strong enough.
This is my truth!
Everything adoption has been to me and the life I’ve had to live because of it, has affected me in such a negative and abusive way, there is no more of me left to keep being strong. I no longer want to be strong for the sake of consuming all the pain just to find my normal. I will never be normal. I will never be unbroken. I will spend years sifting through the experiences and reliving the re-surfaced emotions I’ve learned to bury throughout the years, because I wasn’t strong enough.
Three months ago, I found the courage, to question my adoption story; to challenge my core. To release the pain so I may heal. To heal for my family, to find the kind of love within me that I want for my family. I am in search of my birth mother, biological father, and any extended biological relatives. I am reliving the emotions I hid so I can breathe again. I want to find my peace and to make peace with the person I was from adoption. I am “coming out of the fog”. Though barely both feet have made it out, I am hopeful. I will continue to share my truth, release my pain into the universe, and heal both my inner infant self, and the adult that I am now. I will piece myself together again, because I AM STRONGER THAN YOU, Adoption!
I am no longer your prisoner for crooked lies.
I am no longer a slave to your cause.
I am no longer a singular, but part of a loud voice that speaks against you, with every person you’ve shielded with your deceit.
I am no longer yours to manipulate and victimize.
I am no longer yours to shield from the truth.
I am no longer yours, Adoption!
I AM STRONGER THAN YOU!
Maria Hernandez was born in the Philippines and raised in Canada. She was given up at 8 months old by her birth mother. She is a married mother of three, who is currently a stay-at-home-mom, former Teacher, Motherhood & Lifestyle blogger, and now an Adoption Blogger. Maria just recently started her journey in searching for her birth/biological Family, after “coming out of the fog”. Maria hopes by sharing her experience, she can encourage other adoptees to share their truth and find support in healing through communities of adoptees all over the world. Connect with Maria on Facebook/ Instagram/ Twitter. Follow/Assist Maria’s Search Journey on Facebook/ Instagram/ Go Fund Me