Dear Adoption, You Are My Biggest Blessing and My Greatest Sorrow
I have asked myself numerous times, “Why me?” Why, out of all of the people in the world, was it ME who was abandoned. Selfish as it may be, I wonder why everyday. I don’t blame you for my abandonment. It wasn’t you who robbed me of my birthmother. But it is you who has made me profoundly aware of her absence.
It was you who turned a confused little girl into a broken young woman who had no stepping stones leading to her identity. Where did I come from? Who did I look like? Do I have my mother’s laugh? It was you who reminded me I will never know.
It was you who made me an outsider when I am in the midst of my own people. They are strangers. Strangers like me. It was you who forever stamped “Made in India, raised in America” on my forehead. I do not need to tell my story for my own people to realize I am not one of them. It was you who took that from me. It now feels as though I’m living the remainder of my life trying desperately to grasp what I can from that way of life and culture that I lost.
I can’t blame you for all of my hurt. Because it was also you who also gave me a second chance at a wonderful life where I have so much opportunity ahead of me. It was you who gave me a mother who traveled the world just to find me. A father who raised me as his own. Sisters who also came from my first home in Pune. It was you, adoption, who gave me a new home, a new name, a new life. You rescued me, and I will never forget that.
Adoption, you have opened my eyes to what was taken from me and have given back in other ways. Some days I hurt to the point where I hate you…but then I realize what a gift you have been, even in my lifelong grief. The wound that abandonment left will never heal. I will never stop hurting. It is a difficult web to weave–a balancing act between grief and gratefulness that I may never figure out. How does one handle this magnitude of loss while remaining unbelievably grateful for being rescued from a life of ruin? It so easily becomes a lonely and isolating endeavor to try and balance this dual identity.
Adoption, you have been the cause of so many unanswered questions. Maybe someday I’ll come to be okay with not knowing. You are my biggest blessing and my greatest sorrow. I am conquering you day by day, and praying that my birthmother is somewhere in this world safe and sound.”