Dear Adoption, Foster Care Sucks
I had to be removed from my home because I wasn’t safe and I understand that. But that does not mean that leaving wasn’t hard. People might not understand but leaving my abusive parents was the saddest and hardest day of my life. Yeah, of everything I have suffered through in my life, leaving my own parents when I was 5 years old was the worst.
My social worker sighed excessively in my presence. She was always bothered by me and by my case I guess. I was always apologizing. She would say, “It’s fine. It’s the job.” She never said it wasn’t my fault or apologized to me. I hate her for not making the transition easier for me and for making me feel like any of it was my fault. I was carrying burdens of abuse and heartache. I shouldn’t have had to also carry her hatred for her job and for, well, me.
Foster care was a series of homes that weren’t home. Foster care was feeling out of place and walking on eggshells. Foster care was terrible. For me, two foster homes brought on more abuse. One was purely mental abuse and I remember thinking I would rather the abuse be directed toward my body because at least that ends eventually. The mental abuse went on forever. My last foster home became my adoptive home. My foster/adoptive brother abused me starting from day 3, when I was 7 years old, until I left the home at 17. When I tried to tell my “mom” I was afraid of him she said her home was the safest place I could ever hope to be. I won’t detail my abuse but whatever you’re thinking, yes, that happened to me. If my social worker had given a damn about me I never would have had to endure more abuse. Everybody failed me. My own parents failed me. My social worker failed me. My 4 foster homes failed me.
I spent the last 22 years since leaving “home” allowing people to hurt me because I assumed I was someone who deserved to be failed.
No more. No fucking more. I’m too tired. I’m going to start taking care of me now and I will take care of me better than anyone has. I’m going to take my fractured version of what home is, patch it together and make it beautiful.