Dear Adoption, I’m Keeping a Secret
I’ve kept this secret from everyone.
I’ve kept this secret for my entire life.
I’ve kept this secret and it’s scary to say out loud.
I recently asked adopted people: “What’s one thing you’ve never told anyone about what it’s like to be adopted?”
I asked and I heard back from adopted people that have such different perspectives about you, Adoption. They love you. They hate you. They promote you. They promote family preservation. They blog about you. They never talk about you. They live in adoption-land online. They’ve never heard of adoption-land. Their parents blog about you. Their parents have never said your name.
Now the secrets are coming out, and here’s what we’ve been hiding about you, Adoption:
- Lonely, you feel like an alien because you’re the only one with dark complexions [sic].
- Lonely…even when you find your birth family you never fully fit in either world
- It can be extremely lonely at times…most times
- You never fully belong anywhere. Even when you find answers
- For me personally it’s very hard to feel connected to anyone.
- It’s like you’re a fish looking into the room you’re placed in. You don’t completely belong
- I feel like I don’t know how to love like a non-adopted person. It seems like it’s so different
- I don’t really “belong” anywhere.
- The loneliness when I’m with my adopted family, my birth family, anybody. I never fit. Ever.
- Feeling like you never fully fit in
- It’s Infuriating. Difficult to create a good life when your roots are hidden/kept from you.
- How much I had yearned for my bio mom specifically.
- I often think of suicide and depression is debilitating.
- I never felt like I belonged in my adopted family. I didn’t feel loved as a child.
- I can never be my authentic self around my adoptive parents, it makes me uncomfortable.
- Always an outsider family/birth family/life
- I’m actually really happy I’m not biologically related to my adoptive family
- I also felt like anyone I loved or cared for would abandon/leave me
- The inevitability of forming harmful core beliefs that I still don’t know if one can ever shed
- I don’t have kindness for myself, or comfort in my skin
- Birth & Separation Trauma = Being afraid to have children myself 😳
- Never feeling “good enough”
- That I don’t deserve to be loved.
- Frustrating not to be able to share/hear stories about what you were like as a baby
- I resent the woman who gave birth to me…and I met her. And I feel bad about it.
- How painful some questions are to answer that people ask 💔
- Often rejecting forms of love because it’s hard to receive without fear.
- So much learned shame. I don’t know how to be. I hate to disappoint and reject others.
- I’ve had sex with people I didn’t really want to because I didn’t want them to feel bad.
- I can never truly feel loved by anyone.
- Lonely. Like a fish in a tree.
- I thought finding my bios meant I would finally know who I was and belong. I was wrong.
- Finding bios made me more depressed and lonely than ever. I truly fit nowhere.
- Every year on my birthday, my wish was to someday be reunited with my bio parents
- How guilty I feel for loving my birth mom
- That when people make fun of/joke about adoption it makes me ANGRY
- Not knowing who I really am kills me inside! It makes me so sad. Feeling lonely!
- When everyone from your adopted family and family friends look at you like a museum piece 😒
- I’ve always been searching and hoping for HER to come back
- I miss true friendship in life. I’m always suspicious and tend to get hurt.
- The way it affects just about every aspect of who you are and who you want to become.
- The roller coaster of mixed emotions. All. The. Time.
- I live with a constant feeling of yearning for something indefinable and nearly constant lovely of anxiety
- It’s crashing down drunk and shouting all out. All the pain, the abandonment and grief
- I still believe at age 49 that my parents will not want me anymore if I show them the real me.
Since we’ve kept these secrets, how is the world supposed to know what you are really like, Adoption?
Adoptees On and Dear Adoption, are outlets created by adoptees, for adoptees. We desire for adoptee voices to rise to the top; to be elevated and considered first for our perspectives about you, Adoption. We have such expertise and thousands of years of combined lived experience. We are wealthy in knowledge and keep many additional secrets we might share if you are brave enough to ask.
(You can find every secret in the @adopteeson Instagram highlights “secrets”)