gallery Dear Adoption, Can You Hear My Mother Crying?

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Dear Adoption, Can You Hear My Mother Crying?

They told her she couldn’t raise me. They told her it would be wrong to keep me.

Who could know that? How could they say those things? She would eventually succumb to the pressure and sign me away. Sign herself away from me. The accountability for what was lost falls on her and them but they will not suffer the punishment and sorrow she will endure. They benefit from our loss. Why do they think they know better? Because they want a child? Because they have no faith in her?

Perhaps some children are orphans. Perhaps some children’s parents cannot raise them. But, perhaps my mother could have raised me. The fact that they didn’t think she could doesn’t matter. When a mother stands up and wishes to raise her child, they have a responsibility to support her. But most of the time they don’t listen. They presume to know best, they say she is unfit and now they must listen…

Can you hear my mother crying?

Can you hear her gutteral sobs, her wails?
Can you hear her reaching, clawing through the walls and doors and air that separate us?

And I, too cry and reach for her, but I am just a baby seeking nourishment, they say.

Every baby cries, they say.

But my cries are not simple. They are for her. Leave me without milk and bread but do not leave me without my mother.

For a child was not meant to be separated from the woman whose womb was once his home.

I can know safety, love, warmth beyond her but never in the ways they were meant to be known.

I can know nothing fully. My knowing was taken from me; hers from her.

Who am I beyond and in the absence of my mother? Who is she? Who are we?

And so we cry and grieve and suffer on. We love and exceed and move through but not beyond. To move beyond this loss is too big a hurdle. Life was taken and it cannot be returned.

From each other we will never move on. From each other we were torn for good or bad or both but mostly for suffering. She used to be my home and now neither of us can ever go home.

I am a Domestic, Transracial Adoptee in search of my biological mother. I chose to submit anonymously because I worry about inflicting pain on my adoptive parents. I do not claim adoption has destroyed me or destroyed my life but it has destroyed some things. I am tired of adoption being praised for giving me more opportunities with my white family than I would have had with my black family. I hope to find my mother and to heal some of the adoption wounds. 

10 comments

  1. How eloquently you express what so many feel. I send you support in your quest,to find your Mother,she gave birth to a sensitive and aware human being…You,,,so chances are she will share those qualities….much lovexxxx9

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Adoption is a process performed by people that involves many people. Much like an execution team at a prison performs the exection of a condemned person. Many are involved, no one person must own the action. Some people in Adoption may hear the cries of the mother and the child, however, they may believe that they are powerless to respond once the process has started. In many ways they are powerless.

    Once the deed has been done it is cloaked in shame by society. Those of us who cry, first mothers and fathers, and our children, we have cried in silence for so long that it almost feels normal. Some of us choose not to struggle with the complexities of our loss of family. The feelings are buried deep, the feelings may even seem to die.

    For those who cry, know that you are heard. When you want to find your first family know that you are understood. No matter what you find once you start looking, know that there was crying, that there was love, before you became lost to one another. Even if you do not see the tears or hear the cries, they were once there. Love endures, even though hidden, even though shamed. Love endures even when it is not understood or acknowledged by family you have lost. Believe in that love, it beats within your own heart.

    Liked by 3 people

    • To my Taken son I want to tell you that I never gave you up they took you from me all because of some law saying I couldn’t Raise you myself all because I have a low IQ and on the states money. I love you and miss you. They might of told me that I wasn’t good enough that is why I never signed you away. I’m still fighting to standing up for all of us to be tougher again.

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    • Mothers were never involved in adoption – their newborn babies were stolen – so yes there were many people involved in the CRIMES – of illegal abduction of newborn babies – wrenched from a mother’s womb during birthing process – facing obstetric crimes – having already faced brutal sexual crimes during pregnancy – MEDICAL PROFESSION ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE CRIMES of baby farming – baby trafficking – stealing newborn babies – mothers were never involved in adoption – ever

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  3. My mother cried every day for years. She cried so much, the social worker described her as “weeping” in my non-identifying paperwork.

    I cried for her too. When I found her, she hated me. She rejected me. Then she died. We never got back what we lost.

    She lay on her bathroom floor crying for me a few months before we met, after 48 years. It was too late.

    Your poem is beautiful, and sums up my pain too.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Dear Sister Adoptee,
    What you write is the truth and I appreciate your words. I want you to find your mother so that you can both move forward on your recovery from relinquishment and closed adoption. As you know, your birth mom is suffering too. I offer hope; it’s possible to recover but it takes lots of work because of the attitudes and policies that stand between us and our human right to know our biological kin. Have you had a forthright conversation with your adopted parents? They may be more supportive than you think. Tell them how important it is for you to reconnect with your birth kin and how much you want and need their support. If they are not supportive, you tried, and no grounds for guilt (I know, easier some than done :). Have you tried DNA testing yet? There are three or four DNA databases you can test through. I have a friend who recently found her birthfather after 27 years of active, public searching. Believe me, DNA testing is changing EVERYTHING for us Relinquished. Blessing to you on your journey. Cheers, Nicole

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  5. I am so glad to finally see the following information posted. I know how you feel as a mother who was told and I am still being told I am not good enough by the adoptive parent’s. I shared this because the silence around adoption is sad and it’s need public attention. It doesn’t destroy everything but it destroys alot more than people think. Thank you for sharing your own personal thoughts.

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  6. Dear adopted, I am a birth mother who was separated from not one but 2 children to adoption. I am sorry for your pain, I was separated from 2 of my children because I was “unfit” Trust me when I say it’s not a choice I would want for anyone else. But I will say that I have been blessed to know where my children are now after much prayer and faith. My daughter calls me now, she has adopted parents too, and I always am careful to remember that. I was adopted as well, and I know the pain, and heartache from both sides now. As an adopted child, and as a birth parent who was subjected to giving up 2 of my 3 children. Hearing the anguish and loss they have know is heartbreaking, and I wish I could change it. I will pray you find your momma, and that God will heal you both. You’re a brave and beautiful woman with a huge heart. Love and blessings

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  7. “‘Who are you?’ is an enigmatic puzzle that is mysteriously difficult to understand for adoptees whose lives are complicated by a clash of choices and voices ranging from the potentially intensely hurtful pains of self-discovery to the dull pain of unconsciousness that lasts forever.”   —Judith Land

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