August 27, 2018Dear Adoption, Contributor

gallery Dear Adoption, I Don’t Want to Make My Mom Feel Bad

IMG_4975

Dear Adoption, I Don’t Want to Make My Mom Feel Bad

When you are adopted you have two moms.

My mom that had me in her belly is my birth mom. I was told that I met her but I just don’t remember her.

My mom that lives at my house and takes care of me is my adopted mom except I only call her mom.

I have a lot of questions about my birth mom but there isn’t someone for me to ask because I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings.

I wish I had a book about her or a letter so I could know something about her life. I wish I had a special secret phone in my room so I could call her and ask her questions and get answers right away!

I have dreams about my birth mom and in my dreams we are meeting at the park and we get to talk a lot. The park dreams are my very favorite dreams except that sometimes my mom is watching and I feel bad that she is going to get hurt feelings or be mad. I keep my dreams secret because I am worried that if I tell my mom that I want to meet my birth mom at the park it will make her feel bad in real life.

I think I don’t really want to really meet my birth mom in real life because then I think everyone will feel bad.

I will probably just keep meeting my birth mom in my dreams and having fun with that. It will keep me sad about her but it won’t hurt my mom’s feelings and at least then I won’t have to feel bad about that too.

-12 years old, adopted at 3 days old, loves art and going into her dreams to see her birth mom. 

This piece was submitted anonymously by a child under the age of 18 who participated in a workshop hosted by Dear Adoption,.

31 comments

  1. Im certain this is a healing post for this author. Know that you are not alone in the thoughts you have about your birth mom. There are other thoughts you might have too. I wrote a post on my site (juliemcgueauhtor.com) entitle: “The Three Things All Adoptees Wonder About”. Perhaps that will help too.

    Like

    Reply

  2. Talk to your adoptive mom about how you can learn more about your birth mom. You will not hurt her feelings – she probably expects you to ask the question, and has given it some thought. Working with your adoptive mother to help build your complete story, will give you and your adoptive mom an opportunity to develop a stronger relationship. She can help guide and support you and rejoice with you as you embrace your full history that makes you uniquely, beautifully you.

    Like

    Reply

    • That is not necessarily true. Many adoptive parents make the subject completely taboo, as mine did. This adoptee is picking up a vibe that her parents are putting out there – so her feels are probably bang on. It is the parents’ job to ask questions and open the conversation.

      Liked by 4 people

      Reply

      • As the adoptive mother of a 12 year old girl – I can only speak from the perspective of what goes on in our home. I understand that every family’s experience is different and respect the journey that each adoptee and adoptive family is on. Based on the OPs concern for her mother’s feelings suggests she is well-bonded to her adoptive mother and could safely talk to her about her birth mother. I do agree that the adoptive mother should take responsibility for initiating this necessary conversation.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Concern for her AM’s feelings doesn’t suggest healthy bonding or that she can talk freely – it suggests that she feels responsible for keeping AM happy which is concerning on several levels. In a healthy family, it’s the other way around – parent is concerned for child’s feelings. I’m glad you have a different situation than this, but this is extremely common in adoption. We sense the taboo nature of it, and we sense our AM’s investment in not bringing it up. If this is different in your home, you are the exception.

        Liked by 4 people

  3. such a prediciment faced by those of us adopted at birth …

    society as a whole needs to understand that legal child exchange may seem right to the adults involved, but, human babies are not legos

    … everyone loves their own mother!

    this needs to stop being overlooked in the narrative of adoption.

    Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

  4. So maybe my son meets me in the park in his dreams, too. I sure hope so. I will search for him there. He knows where I am and who I am now, but won’t meet with me because he does not want to hurt is adoptive mother. As a birth mother, I know that I brought all of this pain on my child. I did not know it at the time, but I know now. I wish I could fix it, go back in time and do it all over, but I can’t. So, until I meet him again, I will search my dreams.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  6. Out of the mouth of babes
    These were my sentiments exactly
    We couldn’t say too much about our inner feelings because we didn’t want to hurt our adoptive families or hear any criticism either
    We are protecting ourselves
    This little girl will fantasize about her birth mother until the day she actually knows who she is
    It’s imperative to our well being to know our identity
    Somewhere on the planet our tribe resides

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  7. This is so honest and beautiful! A park is actually a nice place to meet new people if the weather is good. I hope you get to do that some day. I understand how you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I can tell you’re a very kind person.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  8. I think this is a very connected and wise young girl. I wish more people realized that these feelings are normal and how sad it is that this girl needs to protect her adoptive moms feelings over her own. I can only predict that if that continues there will be resentment and cut off in relationship unless the adoptive mom can empathize. That happened to me.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  9. Dear fellow abandonee,

    Both your mother and your female ‘adopter’ (and all the rest of that motley crew of abandoners: family and opportunistic strangers; male or female; treacherous adults all) have abandoned you, they all deserve to “feel bad” permanently and if they “feel bad”, good! so they should. None of all of this shit is your fault, it’s theirs. don’t expect to receive anything from either party other than permanent abandonment: once an abandoner always an abandoner! it’s a harsh reality but reality it is.

    Love your true self and abandon the fake persona these liars (family and strangers) have together (with their signatures) contrived for you: it’s not you, it’s a mere ‘legal’ fiction: you on the other hand are a substantial reality! You have been betrayed by all of them and no one of them (‘adopter’ or ‘relinquisher’) is worth bothering with until they fully own having no less than abandoned you from dot. Be their doormat no longer! Don’t kid yerself! any that ‘fess up you are at liberty to embrace or else reject at your leisure: they (all of them) are the offending (abandoner) party; you are the offended (abandonee) party. See it for what it is!

    Kind regards,
    Barn Wheway
    your fellow abandonee

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • When you judge someone, it says more about you…unless you HAVE walked a mile in their shoes.

      Like

      Reply

  10. It’s very hard reading this as a birthmom. 40 years ago as a teen there didn’t seem to be a choice. If I would have had my choice I would have married the father who was also a teen. I truly felt as an unwed mother that I did not deserve to be a mother. These feelings were confirmed every time I had to go to the adoption center. I had to sit with other girls and listen to 4 or 5 worthy parents be interviewed with supposedly questions the birthmothers had asked. They were all beautiful and kind. I was not a bad kid and very ashamed at my predicament. After her birth (of which I cannot remember even 40 years later) I did get to hold her for ten minutes before I left the hospital. I learned within a few months how to bury any feelings of loss by telling myself I wasn’t not worthy to be her mom. Of course this was not healthy to my self esteem to say the least! But God is gracious. And I learned over the next several years that my worth was in Him. I got married just 2 1/2 years later at 19. I told my husband before we got serious but we rarely ever discussed it for about 30 years. We had six kids and every one a blessing and healing to my heart. But as good as God is He did not stop there! My first born found me 4 months ago. I know not all stories of finding birth parents are good stories. I realize it’s only been 4 months but she is amazing and I love her so much-and so amazed that she loves me. I credit her mom for that. She did not know me but allowed her daughter to love her birth parents anyway. She actually found her father first and they also have a sweet relationship. It is definitely an emotional roller coaster. It has brought up memories I’d rather not have but I will face any fear, any sadness or any hurt to be able to know this sweet girl.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • You didn’t “have to go to the adoption centre”. “she allowed her daughter to love her birthparents” what!!!? this entire self-justifying diatribe is bullshit adoptionspeak. take some advice if you are able, though founded on what you’ve written there is little hope you will. That woman was never her mother you are and always have been her only mother albeit an abandoning rather than nurturing one. a woman who conceives a child is by dint of that its mother no one else can be. a woman who has not conceived the child is never her mother period. you can’t “deserve to be a mother” you either are one or you’re not! by “worthy parents” you mean infertile opportunistic strangers.

      anyway this is my advice: erase all your devious evasive excuses and own fully to her that you absolutely deliberately abandoned her, that you didn’t “lose” her but you consciously threw her to the four winds, in favour of your own convenience, not caring a fig where she landed: own it to her. that you deliberately believed what you knew to be all their ideologising lies because it provided you with an escape route(you didn’t “have to sit with the other girls”, you wanted to because you wanted out!) and then grovel on your knees and apologise as profusely as can be imagined for what you’ve done to her, to her life and to your bloodline which you share.

      This ownership of her abandonment on your part is the only solid foundation upon which to thereafter build a relationship. skip this and you are building on sand and whatever compromised pretense of a relationship you build will be washed away in the floods. You have no idea what you are embarking upon.lay that solid foundation or fail, it’s your choice. i know you will choose the sand of happy-clappy that you have already started on. I could go on but I will waste no more breath

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    • kpmomintexas, Your daughter found you — what a joy!

      You are a kind and loving person. I hope your reunion continues to go well. Yes, it is an emotional roller coaster — an avalanche of different feelings. Sounds like you and your daughter’s father have a peaceful relationship, and that is a plus. What an experience for your daughter to learn she has six siblings!

      Not everything may go the way we expect it to go, but we just keep doing our best, year after year. Sometimes, there may be bumps in the road. Sometimes, patience is very important and we may need to give space when space is needed by the other person.

      Anyone who thinks search and reunion can be rushed is badly mistaken. For many of us, a relationship takes time to develop. Your last sentence indicates you will succeed!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • Thank you for the encouraging word. Some days I feel like I’m not doing things right and I have to remind myself to give myself some grace. It’s only been two years! I can’t wait to see her on our reunion anniversary in a couple of weeks. 😍

        Liked by 1 person

  11. that’s neither here nor there! own your abandonment of your daughter to your daughter: now for that she would love you, but what ever you do start there or else start again there, nowhere else. in any case do what you want

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  12. I thought I should clarify that when I talk about “worthy” parents, it was just what I believed as a 16 year old. Do I have regrets? Certainly! I know wholeheartedly that my actions had consequences that effected much more than my own life. That is why I said reading this girl’s post breaks my heart. No one has to tell me I deserve nothing. I know that all too well. But my God is full of grace and mercy. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
    ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭I want to only glorify Him. Anything that is good in my life and in my relationship with my daughter is only because of Him. She chooses to forgive and to love and I am more than thankful.

    Like

    Reply

    • You continue in your self-justifying evasion, you cannot use ‘God’ as your scapegoat to deflect your very real abandonment of your daughter away from yourself: you have to own to your abandoned daughter that you yourself specifically knowingly deliberately abandoned her to get out of your inconvenience; and you have to acknowledge to her that you cannot imagine the impact, upon her entire existence, of this crime against humanity that you committed against your very own daughter when she was a newborn baby at her very most vulnerable, but that nevertheless you yourself are its cause. you have to fully own it to her and express your regret at having caused her interminable bewilderment.

      Moreover who precisely does she “forgive and love”? someone, her very own mother, who refuses to own to her the crime she has committed specifically against her? yeah, right! if you want a ‘fake’ relationship with your daughter whom you have so damaged pray continue on sand. but if, rather, you want your relationship to be authentic, build it on the rock of your absolute ownership TO HER of what you yourself have done to her in all its gory details, explore it thoroughly with her to exhaustion. do not exonerate yourself by passing the buck, it stops with you! quit your perpetual evasion for her sake. That’s the only legitimate foundation for a ‘reunion’ anything other will collapse or else remain fake but if that’s what you want, and clearly it is…

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    • therapy is a ripoff! and they make rich pickings misinterpreting abandonees. if you want to waste your money be my guest but I haven’t got any to waste on those charlatans. might just as well go to a romish priest for ‘confession’. Besides you wouldn’t know what projection was if it smacked you in the eye. These people need yelling at in high decibels

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      • In trying to see who liked Barnaby’s “therapy is a ripoff” reply, my click resulted in “Liked.” I do not like people yelling at other people! While freedom of speech allows him to say what he feels, I think he could find better ways to deal with his rage (as so many of us have needed to find ways to express our anger and loss). Did his first mother reject him? Well, that would be enough to make a person angry! Or did he express his rage to her, yelling in high decibels? That would probably make a first mother go into hiding. Scary rage does not promote a good relationship.

        I suppose it’s possible that a few adopted persons do not really want a relationship; they simply want to find the first mother in order to punish her in some way. A few people may believe they will be rejected — and act in ways that rejection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The mindset is: I know you are going to reject me, so I will reject you first.

        On the other hand, maybe Barnaby has not yet met his first mother and his posts will help him get his anger out before any reunion takes place. I sure hope so.

        Like

  15. Shouldn’t adoption Just be a misfortune for all involved? Regardless of ones place within adoption it starts with immense truama and should be acknowkeged. This little girl is merely missing her mom and should have access to her

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a comment