Dear Adoption, You Disassembled My Life Unnecessarily
I grew up in an open adoption. My birth mom went to church with my adoptive parents. Christa was 17 when she got pregnant with me and her parents would not let her live in their home and raise me. They didn’t offer her any assistance and pounded into her how much shame she brought on their family.
Christa’s mother approached my adoptive mom and asked if they’d be interested in adopting me. It wasn’t a secret that my adoptive parents had struggled to get pregnant for 7 years.
Christa agreed but she wanted the adoption to be open (an open adoption means she would be able to see me from time to time).
I always knew Christa. I never called her mom.
Christa never felt like my mom even though we looked a lot alike. As a kid I didn’t really understand who she was. I think I always had an abstract concept of her being my mom but nobody really told me until I was 11. I was told God put me in Christa’s tummy to grow for my adoptive parents. Even as a kid I thought that sounded pretty stupid.
Christa and I have remained in contact. She was at my wedding and my kids call her Grandma Christa. We have never really hit a very comfortable stride. I can tell she’s afraid of me. She was told she was the vessel and not the mother so I understand her distance.
My family life has always been good. My time with Christa has always been awkward. As a father myself now I just don’t understand why my adoptive parents, Christa’s parents or anybody else at their church didn’t just help her so we could have stayed together and so the most awkward relationship in my life wasn’t with my biological mother.
They could have helped her but they didn’t because they wanted a baby. They found a vessel and got their baby.
I found a box of paperwork and letters exchanged between my adoptive parents and Christa from before I was born. I was snooping around and my adoptive parents still don’t know I read everything.
This is part of a letter from Christa to my adoptive mom and my adoptive mom’s response:
Christa: I wanted to name him Josh. It isn’t the father’s name or anything but I always loved that name and I just wanted to ask you if I could give him his name or maybe just a middle name.
Adoptive Mother: Christa it’s important that we name our son because he is our son. We believe God is using you to deliver a healthy son who will become ours. We know this is a lot for you sweetie. We have agreed to keep an open adoption and we have and will continue to help you but you need to begin readying yourself to release him to us because sweetie we are his parents.
They could have helped her but they all chose not to.
Today, I don’t consider myself anyone’s son. I’m not the son of my adoptive parents no matter how territorial are. And Christa and I were robbed of a mother and son relationship that we can’t get back.
Adoption is the pathway that was taken by a lot of people in my life to disassemble something that didn’t need to be disassembled. This was unnecessary, Adoption. You know it and I know it.