Dear Adoption, Let Me Tell You About the Little Girl Inside of Me / Part 2
(Read Part 1)
Sometimes I cry and I can’t say exactly why
It’s just panic that comes from a deep, primal place – an unknown place of knowing
Fear that rears its head like an ugly dragon I thought I had slain –
I’ve only lulled it to sleep in my sleeplessness
And if fear is merely
Then how do I
The power I once had?
But I know it’s not my job to fix everything
It’s a habit I’ve acquired in order to stave off the panic of my insecurity
The panic of whether I am enough
The panic of always waiting for the other shoe to drop
The panic I feel every time you walk out the door (and I am alone with my thoughts)
Even though I know you aren’t really gone and it’s not your job to fix it –
This deep primal place of unknown knowing that always makes me feel like a lost child
As an adopted person it’s a challenge to find your center without knowing exactly where you’re from no matter how much love and support you have. It’s easy to forget about it for a while but it always comes back to steal a little bit of the sunlight you’ve found. Somehow the little girl is still there until you find a way to let her go. Until you find a way to let yourself grow up because you don’t need her any more than she needs you. I’m working on letting her go one day at a time. One conversation at a time. One recognition at a time of the fear that no longer needs to control me. One deep breath when the panic rises at a time. One look in the mirror that shows me the woman I am not in spite of you adoption, but because of you.
Liz DeBetta holds an MA in English from the City University of NY (College of Staten Island), a BA in Theatre/Speech from Wagner College and is pursuing a PhD in Interdisciplinary Studies with an emphasis in Women’s and Gender Studies at Union Institute & University. She is a Lecturer of English at Utah Valley University, and the writing and performance mentor for Act Risk No More an non-profit theatre group. She is a member of Actor’s Equity and SAG-AFTRA and as an adoptee is interested in writing for healing and social change from a feminist perspective within the field of adoption culture to shed light on the often untold stories of adoptees and birth mothers. Liz is a Contributor to #MeToo: Essays About How and Why This Happened, What It Means and How to Make Sure it Never Happens Again.
[…] (Part 2) […]
Just beautiful. We are family in the heart, in the soul and every other way. Very proud of you, my cousin.
Your story hit such a chord with me….it sounds so much like my own life. Thank you for sharing, as it let me see that others know the things I’ve felt.
I’m so happy to hear this Sharon! Thank you 🙂
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Needed this to keep me going today as an adoptive parent. Thank you!
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