Dear Adoption, Must You?
(a much needed conversation with my adoption)
Adoption brain, must you always remind me that I am adopted? Some days, I would just like to forget. I would like to wake up and feel like I can conquer the day without self-doubt. I would like to be able to feel confident and secure in my abilities. Adoption, must you sneak into my brain and tell me that I am “not good enough because your own mother didn’t even want you?” I swear if you do it one more time, I am going to scream obscenities. There you did it again… Sigh. STOP.
Adoption, must you be so confusing to my heart? I want to love others fully and completely, but there you are, creeping in with your insecurity minions parading in behind you, leaving a trail of fear of rejection. You know, Adoption, it gets hard to have and be friends and trust people with you running amuck in my heart. And, don’t even get me started on how to have a best girlfriend. That seems like an impossibility with all your screaming and yelling about my birth mother giving me away. Of course, you are wrong about “all women will leave you…” People leave. We all hurt each other. Adoption, you must accept that getting hurt is part of life. NEWSFLASH, even non-adopted people get hurt.
Adoption, just an FYI, I will not let you win. You know why? Well, I must tell YOU that I will not give in and be your punching bag. I will not let you, Adoption, run my life. Yes, I am an adopted person and I am also a woman of great substance, abilities, and heart. I am smart. I promise you, Adoption, that we will, and we must co-exist in this life so that we may, together, accomplish our goals. Did you hear that, Adoption? We will learn to get along.
Adoption, you must allow me to be myself. Not always an adoptee, but truly, deeply, abundantly me. I crave authenticity. I must be given space, away from the graffiti of adoption written on walls surrounding my heart, to grow.
Adoption, must you stand so close? Would you do me a favor, and just back up about 100 yards so that I may breathe more deeply? You don’t have to go away completely, just give me more open space to be Janet.
Adoption, I get how you feel you must protect me, but I promise you, that I am fully capable of moving forward in life without you checking up on my heart, my mind and my soul. I really can take deep breaths without you being in my oxygen space. Watch me… Breath in, breath out. I can do this on my own. Adoption, you must understand that you are not the boss of me, and you must let me make mistakes without you saying, “See, I told you would never be able to do anything right…you are adopted.” Seriously, stop.
Adoption, I want to thank you for keeping me in check and keeping me vigilant. But, it is time for you to let me fly. If I get hurt, I want to feel the pain. If I find my happy place, I want to revel in the joy that is mine alone. I love that you care so much and keep me in check, and now, I welcome you to rest. I don’t need you to be so close that air cannot reach my lungs. I did in the past, but I do not need you to hover so close anymore.
Dear Adoption, I wish you well. I thank you for your service. You are uninvited to my thoughts and my heart space. I am Janet; I am not my adoption or my adoptee status. I am Janet, and I am amazing.