gallery Dear Adoption, Your Response to Us is Bizarre



Dear Adoption, Your Response to Us is Bizarre

Adoption comes up often in my daily discussions with family, friends, co-workers and even strangers. I don’t mind stating “I’m adopted”. I do mind the response I receive more often than not. Following my obligatory expressions of gratitude, I sometimes touch on the loss I’ve experienced, my desire for contact with biological family, my fear of rejection if I do find my family and/or all of the informational dead zones (such as my entire missing medical history).

Typically, in the moment the things I lost are quickly dismissed with “but look at all you have!” or “I don’t think I’d go opening doors when you have no idea what’s behind them. It’s better to not know and focus on moving forward”.

And sometimes a few hours or days or weeks later someone will come back with something similar to this email I received from a close friend after talking about being adopted and suggesting she read Dear Adoption, (which I recommend so non adopted people can understand better and because I’m secretly looking to have my own feelings backed up):

“Wow, I looked at that website you sent and it is so sad. It’s so awful that these people can’t move on and just be thankful for what they have. Maybe it’s good to have a dumping grounds for their grievances but we all have hard things in our lives to overcome you know? And these people were actually saved from way worse lives probably. None of us gets to pick our family. I know so many people who are adopted and they aren’t depressed like that. They’re so happy! Wasn’t Steve Jobs adopted? I mean these people need to move on. I think it’s good you don’t talk about this endlessly and focus on all the negativity. You have a really nice family and people who love you (like me Yay!). You’re not going to write for them are you? I think you should avoid that and not be associated with that pile of sadness. Okay anyways thanks for talking to me about adoption and stuff. I’m glad we talked about it and I’m glad you really are so grateful! If you were never adopted we might not be friends (booooo wahhh 😦 ). Lots of love.”

I immediately began drafting my DA, submission.

If you are not adopted then you do not know what it is like to be adopted. You do not know if it is good, bad, better, worse, happy, fulfilling, or anything. You literally know nothing about being adopted if you are not adopted. If you know people who are adopted you still do not know what it’s like to be adopted. Every adopted person has their own experience: mine is not theirs and theirs isn’t mine. I’m adopted and even I am not trying to speak for other adopted people. So why are you? It’s bizarre.

You don’t know what it’s like to be adopted if you are not adopted. You need to listen and hear and then encourage others to listen and hear.

CT is a domestic adoptee living her dream, loving her people and carrying loads of grief as she searches for her family. 


  1. Reblogged this on Gazelle's Scirocco Winds and commented:
    For the non-adoptees who truly have no clue about having an identity stolen and access to OBC and other information denied, to not know who you are or where you came from. To have been born to a mother then relinquished (perhaps involuntarily) and thereafter to be given a name and an identity NOT your own, and have to listen to how grateful you should be… and oh yes! to simply deny your separation from all that is yours… This isn’t NY and we will not simply ‘forgeddaboutit!’ No way José!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. One of the most frustrating things about adoption is having your feelings negated. Your friend basically said you should not feel what you feel. So, is she saying you should *deny* your feelings? In my opinion, it is much better to acknowledge your feelings, which leads to self-understanding. If your friend lost her mom, would you respond: “Look at the bright side; you had your mom for x number of years”? Of course you wouldn’t say that — you would realize your friend would want sympathy, empathy and support. People who have lost family through adoption need to have their experience and feelings *validated*!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think what you feel is completely normal, my father after 71 years still feels uncertain about who he is after being adopted, we has bitten the bullet and has decided to find out which is important as everyone deserves to know where they come from.


  4. I totally hear you on the pain and frustration of being an adoptee who’s experience and feelings are so often dismissed. So sorry for your loss and pain. You are so BRAVE to address this openly. I agree, if your not an adoptee you can’t possibly know what it’s like. You’re not alone, I experience these same comments from others. Warm hugs


  5. Great submission! This (even if not intended) speaks for me as an adopted adult as well. So frustrating others do not seem to try to have empathy! Thank you?!


  6. I’m so sorry you are subjected to this. It’s simply RUDE and “get over it” is a bunch of CRAP! They wouldn’t say that to someone who’s entire family was killed would they???

    And I love that she says: “these people were actually saved from way worse lives probably.” PROBABLY? First she says “actually” then ends it with “probably”! What an enormous assumption! And that’s what she doesn’t get. Your whole life is based on ASSUMPTION and probablies and maybes.

    Ask her to think long and hard to think how she’s feel if tomorrow she found out she was adopted. Would she just he happy and grateful??


  7. It’s just as you’re told it’s better not to search, the mom is told if you really love her let her have a better life. If the mom fights, she is threatened and/or tortured. Sure for some moms baby theft kicked the, in the teeth so bad they can’t fathom the pain of reunion, but most of us pray every day for reunion. Moms of loss tend to die young of grief. Please consider saving her life.


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