Dear Adoption, You’ve Got Some Explaining to Do
When I first met you in the 60’s you were praised by all I knew. Just the mention of your name conjured up visions of little orphan Annie and I was so glad I got to have a mommy & daddy. Fast forward 50 years and you look very different to me now!
You claimed, Adoption, to be a blessing for a family praying to have babies of their own.
You said to my parents, with hearts of gold, “Just tell them they’re special, chosen by you, just love them as if they’re yours and there will be no worries. No one will even know the difference.” Well, Adoption, WE ALL KNEW the difference and it wasn’t very pretty!
Where were you, Adoption, while my mom cried on her death bed apologizing to me? Her last tears were falling in empathy for the hurt she saw but did not dare approach; stating she knew unconditional love would not fix it, yet, she did not know what else she could do? Where were you while they suffered guilt and believed themselves to be failures at parenting? Well let me remind you, Adoption, you were nowhere to be found. The only evidence of you was a dusty, old piece of paper in a box and a long-lost dream of a happy family. You took advantage of their kind nature and used their childlessness against them for your own gain; leaving them with traumatized babies they were ill-equipped to care for and then you moved on down the road without ever looking back. I say, Adoption, you cannot create babies for people without, so please stop claiming you can.
You claimed, Adoption, to be a brave solution for a mother unsure of her ability to parent.
You said to her, “No worries, you’ll just forget all about this and go on to have a wonderful life”. You told her she would have other babies and that you were proud of how brave and upstanding she was to make someone else’s dreams come true.
What you failed to tell her, Adoption, was that her life would never be the same again! You failed to tell her that missing and fretting over her lost baby would be a constant pain to be endured for all her remaining days. Did you really believe it was no big deal to lose a child? You broke her heart with lies for your own gain and moved on down the road without ever looking back. I say, Adoption, you should not be called brave or a solution, more accurately, you thrive on fear and cause as many problems as you solve!
You claimed, Adoption, to be a forever home filled with better opportunities, A WIN/WIN where everyone is oh so lucky and grateful.
You said to me “It doesn’t matter where you came from or who you look and think like. All that matters is you have two parents who love you now”. You told me not to question things – to just let them go – you said my mother was too young to care for me and I should just forget about her all together. You made me believe my feelings were wrong and so I began to lock them away. Unable to build a healthy self-esteem I grieved in silence while the rest of the world told me I should just be grateful. You said family doesn’t matter and at the same time told me I’m so lucky to have a family! Adoption does that even make sense to you? It’s no wonder I was confused as hell and angry as I watched you move on down the road without ever looking back.
Adoption, did you really believe a human baby would not know the difference between their own mother and a stranger or that it would make no difference? Did you really think that crying for one’s mother day after day at the very beginning of life would not have any effect; that losing a mother was not a traumatic experience for a vulnerable child? Adoption, have you even studied child development and psychology? Would you be grateful if your own family gave you away as a “gift”? I say, Adoption, “I’m so grateful and lucky my own family didn’t keep me?”, NOT!
I look forward to your reply, Adoption, so we can set up a time to sit down together and face the truth in these matters. It seems you have shape-shifted from a benevolent way to help children who NEED families into a callous business model that goes about collecting it’s riches and moving on without ever looking back at the messes you’ve created.
Yours Forever,
Kim P.
dearadoption.com 
Until we teach the society -globally- to look at a system called ‘ adoption”, nothing will change nor will it get better. We need to be our own advocates -not perennial victims. Systems thrive because the society which created it is not made to look at its own errors in judgement. When we advocate for ourselves, we advocate for others.
And all reading this blog should be aware that not all societies allow adoptions, not do all religion, nor are all of us a product of an out-of-wedlock experience between our birth parents. Some of us were with malice aforethought abandoned by both parents. We are in the minority of the greater minority of 2% population of global adoptees. If you believe that having memory that womb to adopters infants have gives us some advantage overt the latter, I and others can very q8uickly disabuse you of your illusions.
Changes in legislation rarely -if ever-change the system, mostly because whatever is changed is at a single request of one or two people which benefits them but not the rest of us. And too often what becomes
law is mired in strings that end up denying us what we requested in the first place by putting contingencies for access to records- like the birth parent(s) right to refusal or the so-called open adoptions that in reality are anything but open, and which close the birth mother from much of her child’s life by the way she is described in the legalities of documentation.
There are far more adoptions that have nothing to do with private agencies or agents-or those kids that are absorbed in the family of the mother as a child of an aunt, a grandmother or other family member in agreement between the members involved -verbal agreements which are private with no legalities involved. No money changes hands in these arrangements any more than money changes hands between abandoning parents and the county/’state/institution in which the child(ren) was/were left.
It isn’t ‘Adoption’ that will come sit down for a cuppa with you, and it maybe and is difficult to get society to meet with you either. We will change the system one step at a time-but only with patience, real knowledge, perseverance and termination to eradicate this system that no others suffer the damage done to too many children for far too many years. Change is like the proverb about raising a child-it takes a world to raise the child and the same can be said of conditions imposed on adoptees, and their families.
We cannot change our adoptee status or those of our lives that have passed, but we can resolve to change these for future generations. The changes comes from within….and in calmness of our resolve.
To save one child from the heartache that many of us have suffered will be that which begins to save all children from what we have experienced. It starts with each of us, one tiny step for all.
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That is my hope, to just change even one person’s way of thinking about relinquishment and adoption would make my heart happy! We have to battle the interchangable baby narrative and restore child rights! Thank you for commenting.
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This is brutally honest and beautifully put. Thank you for sharing your perspective with the rest of us.
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Totally agree with this. Thank you.
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Thank you. Speaking out is so important to change the false narratives about adoption and newborn relinquishment.
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This is priceless! Thank you Kim. Your words are healing.
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Thankyou for writing this so politely and kindly I dare say your skill exceeds mine. Bless you.
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I can say it felt good to write it.
Never shared on such a scale before, happy to get it out there!
Thank you!
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Believe it or not, adopted MEN heard the same cover stories and feel just as abandoned. I figured out the truth very abruptly when I was 12 years old and some shit-encrusted, smelly nun informed me in front of the entire class that I would not be allowed to be an altar server at the annual confirmation mass because I was adopted. At least I came to understand very quickly where I stood…
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Paul what was the nun’s excuse why being adopted was the deciding factor you couldn’t be an altar server
What a horrific thing to say but the nuns loved humiliating people sorry to say
It would be termed bullying in today’s world
I’m really angry she said that to you!
She’s an insensitive jerk
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I am that birth mother as they label me. I still cry for my son which they torn away from me. He is now 49 and angry. I wish he would or could read this. I finally got a caseworker to contact him . or at lease she said she did. And he wouldn’t answer her after he found out who she was. She told me he was married and has children. Also lives out state from his birth. His siblings have always known about him and would love to have him in our lives.
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I am that birth mother as they label me. I still cry for my son which they torn away from me. He is now 49 and angry. I wish he would or could read this. I finally got a caseworker to contact him . or at lease she said she did. And he wouldn’t answer her after he found out who she was. She told me he was married and has children. Also lives out state from his birth. His siblings have always known about him and would love to have him in our lives.
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So sorry for your loss of your son. In my opinion, you are a mother. There is no such thing as a “birth” mother. A mother is always mother. Peace and love to you!
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I believe it, Paul. Men have feelings too.
Another (unpopular) truth to be spread far and wide. Thank you.
Peace my friend.
Kim P.
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Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing these powerful truths. My heart feels so much connection.
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Thank you, Amy. I hope you will all share on your social media to spread my truth about how adoption was for me..
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Yes, adoption always involves loss! So good to talk about this stuff. I adopted a two year old from China. We talk openly about all of it. He is twelve now, and we have let him know that nothing is off limits to feel about his early beginnings. Thank you for sharing.
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Your message brings me mixed emotions.
I am glad you are open to your son expressing his losses of family and culture.
I hope that will be enough support to allow his trauma to surface and heal. I am hesitant to condone adoption even in the best of circumstances. I pray you can locate his true origins and share them with him at the earliest possible time.
Thank you for your kind post.
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Oh, yes. Down through the years, I have done lots of reading, going to conferences, learning about trauma as well as hearing perspectives from all in the adoption triad. He knows as much as we know about his early beginnings, and when there is something we don’t know, we are honest in that too. The truth is, it is NOT enough. Many of the special needs he has required we get lots of outside help. But we knew this, going into adopting him it would be important to do anything and everything we can to help him, including relying on our religious faith. This, for him, has helped how he sees himself. None of this is easy, but it is how you make the best out of a tough start in life. I shudder to think what might have happened to him had we left him in that orphanage, at two years of age, cleft lip and palate, and only sixteen pounds. Yet he is an awesome, beautiful kid, good-natured and fun-loving. I love this boy and want to do right by him, as it wasn’t his fault he had a tough start in life. I know I can never make up for the loss of his first family. That is why he will need to grieve that loss, unfortunately. But I will do my best to be here for him along his journey. Thank you for your response!
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Hi Kim,
Your letter explains all of my feelings. I too was adopted In NY. Spent 48 years yearning to know who I was, where I came from and why?! I hired a private investigator in July 2016 that happens to have the birth index for NY state. I was born in 1967. With my non identifying information and my birth certificate number, she was able to find my mother within 2 weeks. It has changed my life. I now have my father and mother in my life, siblings, nephews, cousins… I petitioned the court and with the help of my adoptive parents and birth parents was blessed to receive a copy of my original birth certificate. Blessed for my OBC sounds silly, it’s something that I always should have had. Adoption has taken so much from all involved. I love how you address our adoptive parents in your letter. Yes, what was done to them was unfair as well. They were never prepared for the emotional issues an adopted child would come with. I have a wonderful relationship with my birth mother and birth father. For my 50th bday this past October I was able to celebrate with both of my mothers, together! I sit here in absolute amazement as I am responding to you while visiting with my birth father. Peace & Love,
Linda Ainbinder
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Linda, so happy for you to have your questions finally answered! Hopefully I will someday share same. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Hi Linda. It just hit me.
NYS has open records now and through DNA I found my story.
Just wanted to share the news.
It can never right the wrongs, but, I sure do feel free! First time ever a free equal human that knows my life story the same as not adopted people.
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who did the best they could.At age 57, I met two of my sisters and two brothers. My mother talked with me on the phone but refused to meet me. She has since died. There is another sister and brother who want nothing to do with me, but those that do act like I have always been their sister. Now at age 70, I am at peace with my adoption. My parents adopted me when they were in their forties My mother loved me but did not know how to show affection. My Daddy was a very special man, down to earth and honest. I was given parents who I was very proud to call my parents. The story goes much deeper but I will share more later
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Thank you Kim Poledna,
I just got home from my 4th trip to D.C. where many groups are joining together to demand family court reform. I also live in New York State. Many of us are outraged family members who the children may never know wanted them to stay in our lives, but who have been mercilessly ignored and shoved out of the way because we are inconvenient. Sincrely, Stacy Youst #ETHICALADOPTION
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BRAVO!
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