Dear Adoption, I Am Not Grateful, Chosen, or Lucky
I have a story I was never allowed to know. I was wanted. I was loved. And I was taken anyway.
I am finding my voice after being silenced for too long. I have much to say… Adoption, you are the sadness in my eyes, the stolen identity, the heavy burden of grief I carry. Adoption, you are the reason I miss my natural mother and long for a deeper connection to my brothers. Adoption, you took so much from me and you never gave it back.
Adoption, you are a trauma I never should’ve had to endure. You tortured my soul and never asked how I felt. Adoption, you gave me a different life, not a better one.
I did not go home with my natural mother from the hospital. At just a few days old I was put into a foster home for between 5 and 7 months. The true duration of my stay there is unknown as well as who I stayed with because of the lies.
My mother lost me to false accusations of neglect. She was preyed on as a poor, single mother with no support and mental illness.
So I grew up in a small rural town an hour away from my natural mother. I grew up resisting the name and identity that had been given to me. I failed to meet the expectations of what being their daughter really meant. Because I am a boy. Because I was never a blank slate. Because my true self could not be taken away like everything else. Because abuse could not erase who I am.
Adoption, you were cruel to me, but you did not break me.