Dear Adoption, If I Could
If I could be un-abandoned, unadopted
If I could have been created under better circumstances
If I could have been born into accepting arms
If I could have been wanted
If I could have not become a person for sale
If I could have not been wanted by a family looking for a baby
If I could have not been adopted by them
If I could have not been so easily loved by my adoptive family
If I could have not fallen in love with them
If I could have stopped myself from settling
If I could have not felt at home and so alone at the same time
If I could have not thought of my origins each day of my life
If I could have not wondered if I was a real Colombian
If I could have not longed for something else even though what I had was good
If I could have not thought about the genes connected to all my physical and emotional traits
If I could have not cried every night even though I was happy
If I could have been wanted from the start I wouldn’t have had to try and be wanted every day since
If I could have not felt so torn between people who didn’t want me and people who did
If I could have not felt like I didn’t deserve love
If I could have felt like I deserved a family
If I could have felt like I wasn’t betraying the people who have loved me by hoping the people who haven’t loved me would walk back into my life
If I could have not been adopted I wouldn’t have to feel any of this
If I could have just been quiet nobody would be mad at me or think I was being ungrateful
dearadoption.com 
You write with such poignancy. It catches in my throat every time I read your pain on the page. You are caught betwixt and between and there’s no easy answer to any of it. You are a brave and courageous soul and I’m glad you are sharing your thoughts and feelings with the world. The world needs to hear it!
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Reblogged this on Gazelle's Scirocco Winds and commented:
If … only …. there were no adoptees or states/countries allowing them, none of us would have the adoptee’s mantra of “Tf I could… ” or ‘If only ..” or the worst one: If only I was worthy of love” coupled with “If only people would understand that wanting my own identity and the family and all else is a right, not ingratitude…
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If … only …. there were no adoptees or states/countries allowing them, none of us would have the adoptee’s mantra of “Tf I could… ” or ‘If only ..” or the worst one: If only I was worthy of love” coupled with “If only people would understand that wanting my own identity and the family and all else is a right, not ingratitude…
Be strong little one … you have many out here who understand your feelings… Vaya con Dios
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Such brave and poignant writing 💔
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Thank you.
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“If I could have been wanted from the start I wouldn’t have had to try and be wanted every day since.”
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It’s a hard road to live every day feeling like you “have to prove” your worth. Adoptees don’t and shouldn’t *ever* have to feel like that, but the feeling is an almost inescapable part of the drastic changes that come with an adoption. The, “not good enough to be kept” coupled with the, “they wanted me, so I have to try even harder so they will want /keep wanting me”.
This hurts so much. I see a comparison (only in the shared feelings of hurting and feeling a need to prove worth) to a child (or adult) that is being abused, that continually tries to please their abuser. Please mommy, daddy (spouse, partner)…I’ll be good. I’ll try harder, please love me/want me.
Something for those, that encourage or coerce mothers to surrender, to think about. Please consider these profound words from this dear adoptee. Is this a worthwhile burden to place on a child and on a fellow human being? I don’t think so.
Dear Adoptee, Your words make a difference. Keep speaking. I don’t know the circumstances of how or why you came to be adopted. Please know that so very many mothers and fathers wanted their children with all their heart and soul. It was not always that mothers and fathers didn’t want their child/ren. Circumstances or forces beyond their control often separated them from the children they loved and wanted. If a family is in severe poverty and no one aids them and there is no hope of help, a parent’s heart will find a way to keep their child/ren alive…even if it means letting them go to someplace or someone who can ensure they will be fed and cared for. It’s no ‘choice’ but rather desperate circumstances. You have made me think that it’s a trading one hunger for another. A physical hunger for hunger of the soul/spirit. I hope some day soon the world will find a better way. The right way.
Many hugs.
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I have felt many of the same “….if only” and “….what ifs”. I am much older than the writer and must say how impressed I am with the way this young adoptee has already identified and is able to articulate such complex feelings. Well done!
#earlychildhoodtrauma; #adoptiontrauma; #adoption #PTSD;
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