May 18, 2017Dear Adoption, Contributor

gallery Dear Adoption, You Are My Biggest Blessing and My Greatest Sorrow

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Dear Adoption, You Are My Biggest Blessing and My Greatest Sorrow

I have asked myself numerous times, “Why me?” Why, out of all of the people in the world, was it ME who was abandoned. Selfish as it may be, I wonder why everyday. I don’t blame you for my abandonment. It wasn’t you who robbed me of my birthmother. But it is you who has made me profoundly aware of her absence.

It was you who turned a confused little girl into a broken young woman who had no stepping stones leading to her identity. Where did I come from? Who did I look like? Do I have my mother’s laugh? It was you who reminded me I will never know.

It was you who made me an outsider when I am in the midst of my own people. They are strangers. Strangers like me. It was you who forever stamped “Made in India, raised in America” on my forehead. I do not need to tell my story for my own people to realize I am not one of them. It was you who took that from me. It now feels as though I’m  living the remainder of my life trying desperately to grasp what I can from that way of life and culture that I lost.

I can’t blame you for all of my hurt. Because it was also you who also gave me a second chance at a wonderful life where I have so much opportunity ahead of me. It was you who gave me a mother who traveled the world just to find me. A father who raised me as his own. Sisters who also came from my first home in Pune. It was you, adoption, who gave me a new home, a new name, a new life. You rescued me, and I will never forget that.

Adoption, you have opened my eyes to what was taken from me and have given back in other ways. Some days I hurt to the point where I hate you…but then I realize what a gift you have been, even in my lifelong grief. The wound that abandonment left will never heal. I will never stop hurting. It is a difficult web to weave–a balancing act between grief and gratefulness that I may never figure out. How does one handle this magnitude of loss while remaining unbelievably grateful for being rescued from a life of ruin? It so easily becomes a lonely and isolating endeavor to try and balance this dual identity.

Adoption, you have been the cause of so many unanswered questions. Maybe someday I’ll come to be okay with not knowing. You are my biggest blessing and my greatest sorrow. I am conquering you day by day, and praying that my birthmother is somewhere in this world safe and sound.”

Bekah Mallory was abandoned and alone on the streets of Ahmednagar, Maharashtra for 2 days before being rescued. She spent the first year of her life in an orphanage in Pune, and came home to America in December 1994. She now resides in Bellevue, NE with her boyfriend, dog, and cat, all of whom she enjoys spending her free time with. She hopes to pursue a career in nursing which she may use to take back to India, to work with orphans like herself who need healthcare while waiting for a forever family.

16 comments

  1. It seems in life, this dualistic truth is found everywhere. For example, the thing we most love about our mate becomes the thing we most dislike. I have found that meditation has helped me come to terms with the dualism of life. When we can hold two opposing truths in our minds and love them just the same, we have accomplished a great thing. I wish you well on your journey. I love that you want to be a nurse and give back to your native country. That’s a noble thing and I know you will be blessed for choosing that path!

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  2. I was so moved by your story. You are beautiful inside and out. You will work it out just don’t let yesterday rob you of today. Also Wanda i loved your wise words. XXXX

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  3. As a fellow abandonee, I can too easily share your pain; I can also confirm-tragically-that the pain will never disappear, nor will the need to know vanish. Those who have always known who they are because they know their parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can never fully comprehend how it is to have one’s identity stolen. And whether you believe this or not, all abandonees, no matter from whence their origins, are looked at in askance by the unaware, and will forever seek in their journeys someone – anyone- who looks like them. To this day, 70 years after my abandonment, and 4 years after having found a paternal uncle, one who neither resembles me, nor I he-not in appearance nor in temperament, I still search for my genetic mirror image or something close to it. And just so you know, finding family related to you does not guarantee acceptance of you as the person you are.

    You have, quire unintentionally, opened wounds which were- I thought-finally beginning to heal after all these years because of the bio Reshma included. I know the place in which you reside… place of abuse and torture and exclusion … Neither ghosts nor skeletons remain secured in some closet, and the grief they caused can cascade again years later, triggered by another’s circumstances. There are things known by some of us that should never be known by a child, and things that society-no matter which it may be-allow to be perpetuated. I left that area 1n 1963, vowing never to return. Your reflections reinforce my resolve never to return-but those ghosts have now been unleashed from their lair, and I will have to find a way to corral them before they unravel my psyche.

    You have in many ways reached that balance you seek whether you realize it or not, There are simply things in our lives that we cannot change, and unfortunately we cannot find no matter how hard and far we search.

    Thank you for sharing your story. May you find your peace. I leave you with this, a poem by Max Ehrmann:

    Desiderata

    Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
    and remember what peace there may be in silence.
    As far as possible, without surrender,
    be on good terms with all persons.

    Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
    and listen to others,
    even to the dull and ignorant;
    they too have their story.

    Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
    they are vexations to the spirit.

    If you compare yourself with others,
    you may become vain or bitter,
    for always there will be greater
    and lesser persons than yourself.

    Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
    Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
    it’s a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

    Exercise caution in your business affairs,
    for the world is full of trickery.
    But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
    many persons strive for high ideals,
    and everywhere life is full of heroism.

    Be yourself.
    Especially do not feign affection.
    Neither be cynical about love;
    for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
    it is as perennial as the grass.

    Take kindly the counsel of the years,
    gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

    Nurture strength of spirit
    to shield you in sudden misfortune.
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

    Beyond a wholesome discipline,
    be gentle with yourself.
    You are a child of the universe
    no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you,
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    Therefore be at peace with God,
    whatever you conceive him to be.
    And whatever your labors and aspirations,
    in the noisy confusion of life,
    keep peace in your soul.

    With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
    it is still a beautiful world.
    Be cheerful.
    Strive to be happy.

    Author – Max Ehrmann (1872 – 1945); public domain

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    • That is a beautiful poem. I love this line:

      “You are a child of the universe
      no less than the trees and the stars;
      you have a right to be here.”

      That is beautiful. Our stories are not small, nor are we. There is great power in who we are and what we have been through. Thank you for sharing some of your experience! We have a right to be here. Much love.

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  7. Oh my goodness! This left me in awe!! As an adoptee, I have never been able to put into words how I feel about my situation, but I can finally say have found something that I describes in words how I feel and can relate to. Trying to explain to family and friends how happy yet sad adoption can leave you can be so hard. It’s a blessing yet a sorrow.
    We share the same passion, nursing to help your country back! You are an inspiration to so many, thank you fir sharing. Keep reaching for your dreams!
    Thank you so much for sharing!!! I cannot thank you enough!

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    • I am SO glad you can relate!! Reading other DA submissions helps me to know what I’m feeling as well. Sometimes it’s hard to put it into words, but my fellow adoptees know. They just know. And it is so comforting. I am with you! Much love.

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  9. It took courage to write your heartfelt feelings and struggle. It shares more light on what an orphan may experience even if adopted. In having a heart for orphans, I thank you for being honest about your situation that becomes an encouragement through you being a voice for other orphans. It is not surprising you want to go into a helping field and share your gift of compassion. May God bless you on your endeavors!!… Check out my orphan poems God inspired me to write and hope you are blessed and encouraged Bekahbug!… My oldest daughter is Joy bug. Also another connection is India. There is a link you will find to that website too. Love to you in Christ…
    https://koreministry.wordpress.com

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