Dear Adoption, I’m Going Back Home

My passport was renewed. Renunciation of Indian citizenship was approved. Travel visa was granted.

I was sitting in my loft on a Saturday afternoon staring at the computer screen as each travel site loaded. I had been building the courage to actually purchase plane tickets for a few days by that time. My anxiety had kicked in and my emotions were rolling deep. I needed to surrender to the internal pull and return home again.

I found a one way flight to Mumbai. I read and re-read all the details, filled in my personal information and clicked “Purchase.” There it was, my confirmation number. It was official, I was going back home to India.

As I was sitting there, turning my desires into reality, I began to laugh and eventually my giggles turned to tears. I took a deep breath and sat with the joy I created for myself. I was so proud to finally step out of my fear of traveling alone and step into self love and adventure.

This trip back home will be different than the ones in the past. I will not be working, setting up interviews, downloading footage, hiring a film crew, or knocking on strangers doors. I am no longer searching for others, but only for myself within. It will only be me; listening, feeling, inhaling, exhaling, and falling in love with myself.

Since I cannot have a relationship with my first mother, the next best thing is for me to continue my relationship with Goa. I want to make Goa home again, not just for me, but also for my future children. I was once removed from Goa, but now it’s my time to return again.

I am scared and uncertain about what will unfold. Lessons will be learned, mistakes will be made, but I must trust in myself and this experience; I must allow my intuition to guide me. As a dear friend of mine often told me, everything will fall into place.

Nisha Grayson, MS is a transracial, international adoptee from Goa, India and the subject of the film, YOU FOLLOW: a search for one’s past that documents her search for her first mother. Nisha shares her experiences and narrative at adoption conferences and trainings throughout the year. To follow Nisha’s adoption journey, please visit her blog, The Adoptee Diary.